The Fundamental Call To Action

So let's get straight into it and hit the first major principle of the manifesto.

Nobody was ever born a badass.

Now, a lot of people are giving me screwface about this and saying "wait, wait - you did say everyone starts as an amazing person, so you're born a badass and then rediscover it."

Nope. Not even close. Let me explain.

You are not a badass simply because you are amazing. You are a badass when you have dug that amazing part out of the SHIT life threw at you. What makes you a badass isn't the amazing part; we all have that. It's the part where you learned that you were covered in SHIT, and that people were throwing that SHIT at you, and that you didn't need to cover up the SHIT with something else (a common failure of SHITheads) - you needed to throw the SHIT away.

Which takes us directly to the second principle:

Every person can become a badass.

There's an amazing person under all the SHIT. There always is. Even for you. Even for that dickhead you can't stand.

And if you want to get all hippie-hippie-fag-fag about it, you need to look past the SHIT and see the amazing person inside, and love that person because everyone deserves love - and maybe all that poor SHIT-caked person needs is a hug, because honestly, who would hug you if you're covered in SHIT?

Yay, flowers and puppies and rainbows and holy crap you're a pussy.

There's a basic, fundamental thing you have to learn about being a badass: that the overwhelming majority of it is avoiding situations that you as a badass could totally handle.

You can throw SHIT at me all day and it won't stay there, because I'm a badass. I'll scrape it off and throw it away and laugh mightily in a condescending manner, HA HA HA. But it is an amazingly stupid use of my time and energy to go out actively inviting people to throw SHIT at me. And when someone does throw SHIT at me, it's a stupid waste of time to go over there and say "I love your amazing self!" while giving him a big hug so he can plaster SHIT on me.

It is a far better use of my time to get the fuck away from him as quickly as possible so I spend less time scraping SHIT off myself and more time flexing my badassery for the benefit of others.

But before you can do that, you have to become a badass by digging that amazing person you are out of all the SHIT. Scrape it off and get rid of it. Avoid it when others throw it. Recognise that every handful of SHIT you scrape off is a test of whether you are going to throw it at someone else, or just toss it away. Understand that you are not perfect, and sometimes the SHIT will hit you. Scrape it off and move on. Maybe you'll have a moment of weakness and throw SHIT at someone else; say you're sorry and move on. 

But the same thing applies to others: they were born amazing. Now they are covered in varying amounts of SHIT. And when they dig the amazing out of the SHIT, they will be badass. But you can't just assume they're going to do that - most people won't. They deserve no credit for simply being amazing, because everybody is amazing. They deserve no blame for being covered in SHIT, because everybody gets covered in SHIT. Blame them for the SHIT they throw, and credit them for the SHIT they scrape off of themselves.

But recognise all the same that they will always have those moments of weakness where they throw SHIT, and they will never scrape off all the SHIT completely. No matter how FAT you get, there's still that natural SLIM you underneath. And this is okay. You can't expect perfection.

And you can do it, but it is still something that has to be done. It doesn't just happen.

None of that bullshit about attraction and the secret and the universe and quantum what-the-fuck-ever. That's all bullshit. We've known this all along. God helps those who help themselves. Or, more accurately:

Try first thyself, and after call in God;
For to the worker God himself lends aid.
(Euripides, 428 BCE)

Nope, not the bible. But that sentiment is close to 2,500 years old. It's just the way shit works. It depends on you. Even if you believe in God, or in a whole passel of gods, or in the Gaia principle, or in the Jungian collective unconscious, or even in quantum foam and infinite parallel universes... you have to do it. 

Tomorrow, we'll go into the next pair of principles.